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"How could something so small be so hugely annoying?"



Alice

What style? I don't see any.

:-Edward Cullen (Tru fax.)

Alice "The Plot Device" Cullen is a character from Twilight, and is one of the several sooper gorgeous meyerpires in the series. (Complete with a windchime for a laugh!). She is arguably the most useless of all the Cullens (which is saying something). Meyer and many Twilighters mistake her for a strong female character, which she could be, if she had been in a book by an author who wasn't sexist. Although she is incredibly annoying, she seems to be one of the better Cullens (Yeah, they're that bad).


The Future: She Sees It. (Well, Sometimes.)Edit

ClairvoyanceEdit

Alice has the ability to see the future, though her visions are normally extremely vague, making them only kinda helpful. In several instances, she will see something that would be extremely helpful, but is too stupid (along with everyone around her) to figure out what it means. Her powers only seem to exist to keep the story from getting interesting and half the time, they don't even work right. She's got "inaccuracies" or some shit. Is it any coincidence that the male Meyerpires don't have this problem? Her powers supposedly work by tapping into peoples' brains and seeing what decisions they're about to make. Conveniently, Bella's super speshul mind-reading-blocking ability does not get in the way of Alice's visions about her, presumably because it takes no clairvoyance to predict that a blindfolded and highly hormonal rhinoceros is likely to ignore all warnings to "act rationally".

TwilightEdit

In the first book, she has a vision that she and Bella will become best friends. Not wanting to totally screw with her own prediction, she pretty much forces herself to fulfill it, most likely in a desperate attempt to be right for once. She also sees that Bella Sue could possibly marry Edward and turn into a vampire later. During an epic game of vampire baseball, she sees that the nomads/srsly evil doods, were going to come and try to kill them. This would have been very helpful, had she not seen it right before they arrived. Apparently she couldn't foresee it because the decision was made quickly (this is her excuse whenever her predictions fail). Way to be, Alice. Way to be. Later, while in Phoenix with Jasper and Bella, she saw a ballet studio. She then demonstrates super drawing skillz, quickly sketching it to share it with the world. (It is unknown if Carlisle hung this on the fridge.) The studio was, obviously, where Bella would be 'almost killed' near the end of the book. She was not killed due to the fact that the Cullens realized where she was just in time. Damn it. Foiled again.

New MoonEdit

Due to this book focusing mainly on Bella acting like a crazy bitch, pretty much the only example of Alice's skillz were when she thought Bella had committed suicide. Turns out she was just "cliff diving" to hear Eddykin's voice in her head. Unfortunately, Alice does see that Edward is going to go commit suicide by public dazzling, whereupon she makes the disappointing decision to grab the (still-living) Bella and get the frick over there to save him from his emo-ness.

EclipseEdit

It's revealed that Alice can predict the movements of her opponent when fighting. This apparently makes her good enough to beat Jasper, who is good enough to beat Emmett and hold her own against Edward. Despite her skillz, she is still kept out of fights, because she's a girl.

Breaking DawnEdit

Alice gets a vision in Book Three that the Volturi are coming to kill Renes-sue-mee for being half-human and half-vampire. She then goes on an epic adventure with Jasper, that we don't know anything about, to find another one of Nessie's kind. This somehow proves that she shouldn't be killed, thus the epic fight that was supposed to happen didn't, and we were once again deprived of any potential action. Thanks Alice, for ruining the possibility for an interesting climax.

But wait, if she can see the future?...Edit

Why didn't Alice predict that Bella would get the Papercut of Doom in New Moon? Why didn't she predict that James was planning to trick Bella (instead of just seeing the studio) as soon as he thought of it? Why didn't she see Victoria coming after Bella right away? If she couldn't predict Renesmee, why couldn't she predict Bella as a vampire and know something was weird?

And to turn that around: How is she able to foresee the stock changes? Does she stalk the chairmen of large corporations? How could she see Jasper? How could she see meeting the Cullens? Does she even need any supernatural ability to predict Bella's actions? Does she use her ability to predict the magic quill challenge and get a Pottermore beta account?

The lesson we learn here is that psychics make bad plot devices.

PersonalityEdit

Alice is apparently some kind of fashionista, and enjoys treating Bella like a Barbie Doll, dressing her up and giving her makeovers. Alas, we know she is unsuccessful because nothing can make Smella look pretty (Not even the fountain of youth). She is quite devoted to her True Love Forever, Jasper. She is able to steal cars without remorse. She does not care who that car belonged to. Apparently she has done this more than once. It's a wonder she hasn't been arrested, deported to Poland and waterboarded by hoodlums in ski masks.

Alice is supposed to be a strong female character. However, as her power is so prone to failure which makes her useless to the non-existant plot, and her only hobbies are fashion, dressing up other people, and nurse-maiding her husband Jasper, she kind of sucks. This is another example of Meyer telling, but not showing.

History Edit

One of the other notable things about Alice is her mysterious history. No one really knows who transformed her, or where. She believes she was confined in a mental institution by her family, which explains her short hair, since many insane asylums used to shave the heads of their residents. She may or may not have been schizophrenic. If she were, it might explain her (lousy) divining ability and visions. Supposedly, as soon as she was transformed, she foresaw her relationship with Jasper, tracked him down and joined the Cullens. Her interest in fashion apparently stems from the fact that she didn't have a normal humanhood.

Very few of the mysteries surrounding her are resolved by the end of the story, which leads antis to believe that Meyer simply doesn't know the answers.

Edit:

It's hinted that Alice's sugar daddy care givver in the asylum was a vampire who changed her. James makes a mild refference to killing him with Victoria in Twilight, freeing Alice to seek Jasper by accident.

Criminal TendenciesEdit

Alice "Five-Fingered Discount" Cullen, supposedly a strong female character, repeatedly and deliberately does things that are not just wrong, but illegal.

In Twilight, Meyer states that the Cullen family owes a great deal of their wealth to Alice Cullen's clairvoyant stock tips. Buying or selling stock on the basis of information that the general investor doesn't have is called insider trading, and it is a federal crime. Martha Stewart went to jail for it.

Alice also enjoys stealing cars. She steals cars on two occasions in New Moon. While the first time is excusable, because of the emergency situation, the second theft, which occurred after Bella and Edward were (unfortunately) safe, is not. If Alice wants a beautiful sports car, she gets a beautiful sports car, even if it belongs to someone else. How ethical and realistic! What an excellent role model! What is the world coming to?!?!

In fairness, Alice could have been a good role model, if she had character development. And more of a place in the story beside helping Edward and Bella's TWU WUVVVV!!11!532!

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