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Ohnoes

Crap! Run!

Two movies? TWO FUCKING MOVIES? What happens in this book to warrant that?


Since Breaking Dawn was incredibly long and drawn out over something like 700 pages, the filmmakers have had to cut it in half so they could make more money nothing would get left out! Hopefully we will even see a minute long montage of Bella shaving her legs on Isle Esme before she goes out to meet Edward in the water! (Seriously, who wanted to read that bit?) Part 1 is going to be released on November 18, 2011. Part 2's release date is November 16, 2012, thus creating a logical reason for the world ending that year. Both movies are being directed by Bill Condon.


Before we begin it must be mentioned that this whole idea was taken from Harry Potter. They should've made two good movies instead of two piles of crap.


Part 1: Oh, Fuck...Edit

Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner will be reprising their roles as Bella Swan, Edward Cullen, and Jacob Black. Since their contracts only went for four movies, everyone had to scramble madly to sign another contract for five movies. This may cause R.Pattz to want to rip his eyeballs from their sockets and stomp on them, but that has not been observed. Yet.

This film will most likely end before Bella gives birth to Renesmee, as it is supposed to be a child, yet alert and way too mature for its age, and no one has developed that kind of technology yet. Which brings us to part 2...

It has been confirmed that the cut-off point that separates the two films will be the birth scene and Bella's transformation into a Meyerpire. It has been stated this is because Meyer wanted the whole of the second film to be about Bella as a vampire and discovering how awesome she is. That means that the whole of the first film will be pointless filler. Leaked information suggests that they're going to take a number of small, unimportant scenes in the book and extend them for the movie in order to take up time. Released still shots include pictures of Bella and Edward eating, playing chess, and trying to be romantic at a waterfall. The only events expected to occur in part one include: the wedding, the honeymoon, the pregnancy, possibility of war between the vampires and wolves because of Bella who no one will fault for any of it, and the birth scene. Whether they will actually attempt anything regarding Jacob's imprinting on Renesmee in this half is yet to be determined.


While BD part one will have the sex scene and the birth scene, the movie is attempting to keep a PG-13 rating in order to whore itself out to all the underage fangirls and because Meyer wouldn't be able to see it if it had an R rating. As such, any would be viewers who intend to go see this movie mainly to see either should be advised that both will be cheapened horribly to accommodate this rating. Rumors and interviews with the director indicate that the birth scene itself will likely be glossed over by showing it from Bella's point of view.


TL;DR: This part has the sex. But it's PG-13!


Rumored multiple sex scenes in Part 1Edit

Are you kidding me?

There's going to be MORE than one scene of them having sex? No wonder Meyer's co producing this, she's fucking fulfilling her disgusting fantasies. But seriously, that's just making the premise of her book even more stupid than the others. All along Twilight was about how glorious it is to have a boyfriend, Breaking Dawn is probably going to discuss how glorious it is to have a fuck buddy.


Part 2: Fan Reactions and Demon SpawnEdit

Some have speculated that the filmmakers will use a puppet with computerized facial features to portray Renesmee. In actuality, due to Meyer's belief that no actress or CGI is good enough to properly portray her and the fact that they want to keep it PG-13, the birth scene will likely not be made and Renesmee will not be seen, creating possibly the sole redeeming factor of this entire crap-fest. Hopefully, a nuclear war will break out and no one will get around to attempting this movie. Since even the fans hated this book, one can't help but wonder what the reaction to the film will be like. Hopefully it involves throwing rotten apples and booing loudly. This movie was released in 2012, which would explain why people thought the world was going to come to an end. What will happen when Lautner finds out he needs to play a pedophile? That even we don't know just yet.


TL;DR: The rest of the story.

Summary/Wishful ThinkingEdit

It's most likely that 50% or more Twilight fans will give up after watching the movie.. Please let that happen, PLEASE.


And if it doesn't, then by God we will fight to the death.


The Copying of Harry PotterEdit

It is highly likely, if not entirely apparent, that the plans for splitting BD into 2 parts is ripping off the epicness of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, a film packed with such a complex storyline that a two-parter was required in order to do the book justice. Breaking Dawn's plot is not a story worthy of being split into two parts, particularly since the whole thing can be summarized like so: Bella marries Edward, Bella turns into a vampire, Jacob falls in love with Bella and Edward's baby, the Volturi sissies debate team mistake the baby for an infant vampire, they talk it out, Bella and Edward live happily ever after. They could have fit the while Twilight "saga" in half a movie. So why is this story being split into two parts, if not only to copy Harry Potter's climax? Perhaps Fiddler On The Roof put it best:


♪If I were a rich man...

Jeremy Jahns' reviewsEdit

Oh poor Jeremy, he put himself through hell to share what big pieces of shit these movies are! He even reviewed the trailers... and he certainly provided us with great entertainment. Enjoy!


Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1 trailer review03:24

Twilight Breaking Dawn part 1 trailer review

Jeremy reviews the Breaking Dawn part 1 teaser trailer

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 movie review06:15

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 movie review

Jeremy reviews Breaking Dawn part 1







Twilight Breaking Dawn part 2 trailer review04:27

Twilight Breaking Dawn part 2 trailer review

Jeremy reviews the Breaking Dawn part 2 teaser trailer

Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 trailer 3 review03:42

Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 2 trailer 3 review

Jeremy reviews the third Breaking Dawn part 2 trailer







The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn part 2 movie review06:04

The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn part 2 movie review

Jeremy's final Twilight review - bless him!!

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