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Cullenism

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"Cullenism" is a psuedo-religion invented by Twilight fangirls of the insane variety. According to its followers, Cullenism requires the belief that everything in Twilight is true, Meyer is God, and all non-believers will have to spend an eternity in a cave with James. (That last bit doesn't sound so bad, actually.)

Cullenism includes a complete set of holidays (the characters' birthdays), sacred places (the characters' birthplaces), and sacrifices (the unpopular characters, and possible antis, if things get out of hand). They even have a couple of prayers:

  • "Ephenie-stay, y-may ady-lay, e-way ay-pay omage-hay oo-tay our-yay authoring-ay, and-ay all-ay ighty-may aracter-chays. Ilight-tway all-shay orever-fay e-bay y-may avorite-fay eries-say, and-ay, our-ay oly-hay ook-bay."
    (Translation: "Stephenie, my lady, we pay homage to your authoring, and almighty characters. Twilight shall forever be my favorite series, and our holy book.")
  • Our Edward, who art in Forks, hallowed be thy sparkles.Thy Volvo comes, thy will be fast, on Earth as it is in the meadow. Give you this day, our daily blood; Forgive us our heartbeats, as we worship Carlisle for giving you life. Lead us into temptation, deliver us to you. For thine is the vampire, the music and the hotness, for ever and ever, A-Edward.

Yes, one of their prayers is in pig Latin, and the other is quite offensive. Unfortunately, some people probably take all of this dead seriously.

Some rabid Twihards will even go as far to declare holy war on the haters. Such declarations of war are on YouTube, consisting of misspelled words, no logic, and more often than not, just a simple "We're sorry, but this video is no longer available," or "This user has been banned for terms of use violations."

Interestingly, since Cullenism involves the glorification of a demonic creature who is an adversary of Jesus, while resembling him in some manner (recall how Edward is frequently described as 'godlike', 'angelic' and 'divine') it is Satanic, and therefore in unquestionable opposition to Meyer's own religion. The fact that Meyer, a devout Mormon, has created a book that causes masses of girls to worship a 'false idol' is hilariously ironic...it is also concrete proof that Meyer is the Antichrist made manifest not a genuine Mormon.

They also completely miss the point that Edward doesn't really care to be a vampire, and much rather have a bunch of people alive.

There is also a cullenist wikia that is currently a blank slate, except for some entries by antis. It is located here:

http://cullenism.wikia.com/wiki/Cullenism_Wiki It is being trolled and destroyed at the moment,so feel free to vandalise the link above!

I already gave you a start :)

Twimandments Edit

  1. Thou shalt dress in black
  2. Thou shalt not read another book
  3. Thou shalt want to marry thine fictional character
  4. Thou shalt drink a red liquid and saying it's blood
  5. Thou shalt shop at Hot Topic for Twilight merchandise only and nothing else
  6. Thou shalt wear sparkles because thine vampires all sparkles in the sun
  7. Thou shalt make crappy poetry
  8. Thou shalt ruin nonconformity once more 
  9. Thou shalt avoid health risks
  10. Thou shalt smite or convert non believers
  11. Thou shalt act as if thou art moody and edgy, while thou truly art happy
  12. Thou shalt only dine on red apples and a red liquid saying it's blood
  13. Thou shalt plant red and white feather flowers
  14. Thou shalt wear red ribbons
  15. Thou shalt only defile chess
  16. Thou shalt not criticize Twilight, for it is your holy blood.

Here is a link to a satirical version posted on the Cullenisim wiki by an anti:

http://cullenism.wikia.com/wiki/Twimandments

Cullenist Sacraments Edit

  • Sacrament of First Reading~ The first step toward accepting Cullenism. A believer must complete a full reading of all four novels.
  • Sacrament of Deeper Understanding~ Through a thorough reading of the Blessed Encyclicals of Stephenie Meyer, a believer answers their own questions about the unwritten truths in the saga.
  • Sacrament of Declaration~ Every Cullenist must affirm their true faith through a public recitation of the following prayer:

I am a Cullenist. With faith and love, I honor the sage Stephenie Meyer, praising her for her gift of

knowledge. I honor Carlisle, our leader, praising him for his compassion and patience. I honor Edward, our

brother and teacher. I praise him for his love and strength of will. I honor Bella, our sister and teacher. I

praise her for her love and open heart. I honor our other teachers; Esme for her fierce love, Alice

for her vision and joy, Jasper for his serenity and loyalty, Rosalie for her tenacity, and Emmett for his

strength and ease of heart. I am a Cullenist.

  • Sacrament of Home Pilgramage~ Every Cullenist, at least once in their lifetime, must make a pilgrimage to our most holy city of Forks, Washington.
  • Sacrament of Love Pilgrimage~ Cullenists who marry or take a mate can choose to have their love blessed through a pilgrimage to our second high city, Isle Esme.
  • Sacrament of War~ Cullenists must smite every non-believer into submission, lest they spend an eternity in Jame's Cave.

Calendar of Days To Honour, according to Cullenists Edit

  • January 18th~ Meeting Day; The day Bella and Edward first meet.
  • March 6th~ Legend Day; The day Jacob shares the Quileute legends with Bella.
  • March 12th~ Day of the Wolves; The day Jacob confirms for Bella the existence of shapeshifters and that he is in fact a werewolf (of sorts )
  • March 13th~ Meadow Day; The day Edward takes Bella to his secret and beautiful meadow, declaring his feelings and wishes for their future together. It is also the day he decides he can, in fact, be with her without killing her. In Cullenism, this is our equivalent of Valentine's Day to the rest of the world.
  • March 22nd~ Salvation Day; The day Bella and Alice save Edward from dying by his own hand and from the Volturi in Italy.
  • June 14th~ Day of Rings; The day Edward officially proposes to Bella and she accepts. (The only reason this is considered a less luck day to get engaged is because of Bella's hesitance to actually do so. That's why we consider the Festival of Edward & Bella a luckier day; that day she actually realizes how much she wants to marry him. Silly girl.)
  • June 20th~ Edward's Feast; Edward's birthday.
  • August 13th~ Festival of Edward & Bella; The wedding day. In Cullenism, this is the best day to get engaged or married, considered the luckiest.
  • September 10th~ Renesmee's Feast; Renesmee's birthday. In Cullenism, this is also a day we celebrate future possibilities, honoring the whole new world of futures that Renesmee opened with her arrival. It is also LaytardMouse's (one of our editors also known as Pipikachu) Reckoning as it his her birthday as well.
  • September 13th~ Bella's Feast/Day of New Life ; Bella's birthday. In Cullenism, this is also a day we celebrate transformation and change; kind of like our Spring Equinox. We honor new life and new possibilities.
  • September 16th~ Leaving Day; The day Edward leaves Bella to save her from himself (stupid boy). In Cullenism, this is our day of atonement, assuaging our grief by making up for past wrongs.
  • December 25th~ War Day; This is the day where Cullenists renew their vows to smite those who oppose Meyer.
  • December 29th~ Confrontation Day; The day of the final debate battle between the Cullens and their allies and the Volturi. It is on this day in which Cullenists engage in meaningless debate on antis-.

Meaningless Debate Edit

Meaningless Debate is considered to be the Cullenist's own form of Jihad, or Holy War. Most Cullenists prepare for meaningless debate on War Day (December 25th), and then spend four days re-reading the four holy books and praying to Meyer and the other gods. The cullenists then go on youtube and post videos that make themselves look like douchebags. Of course, there are those who take it far beyond debate...

Sacred Places: Edit

- Forks, Washington - (aside from obvious reasons, it is also Bella's birthplace)
- Chicago, Illinois (Edward's birthplace)
- Rochester, New York (Rosalie's birthplace)
- London, England (Carlisle's birthplace)
- Columbus, Ohio (Esme's birthplace)
- Houston, Texas (Jasper's birthplace)
- Biloxi, Mississippi (Alice's birthplace)
- Gatlinburg, Tennessee (Emmett's birthplace)
- Denali, Alaska (Where the Denali Coven live)

- Volterra, Italy (Where the Volturi live. Apparently, followers go here to get the power to curse "non-believers".)

High Prayer Edit

The following is from the Twilight Lexicon:

(Many thanks to SlightlyObsessed. In all my musings, I could not come up with anything better. I tweaked a little. I hope you do not mind. )

In the Cullen name, I pray that my faith endure.
I pray to Jasper, patron saint of emotion, to grant me serenity, peace and contentment.
I pray to Emmett, patron saint of strength & dedication, for protection against mine enemies.
I ask Esme, patron saint of kindness & nurturing, to take my woes and give me comfort.
I pray to Alice & Rosalie, patronesses of truth and beauty, to grant me knowledge, understanding and good fortune.
I pray to Bella, patron saint of acceptance, to grant my heart be open and understanding of all.
I pray to Edward, patron saint of love, that he may shine his eternal love upon me.
And, to the most high Carlisle, I ask that he bless me with wisdom, self-control and the ability to know the difference between right and wrong and to always choose the right.
I ask all these in Stephenie Meyer's name.

SacrificesEdit

To be a Cullenist requires sacrifices to be made to please the gods. There are three different sacrifices that Cullenists can make to support their creed:

  • Animals: Cullenists believe in vampire vegetarianism. An animal, preferably Pacific Northwest wildlife, such as a mountain lion, a deer, or a bear, is killed to represent the way that our vampires must cope with their blood-drinking, sacrificing their taste for humans. Wolves, however, are to be revered, and to kill one is a great crime.
  • Human characters: Characters in the books such as Mike Newton, Eric Yorkie, and Jessica Stanley, who were foolish enough to have no involvement with vampires, and lived as humans: with no understanding of true love or the importance of immortality. They are to be smited.
  • Non-believers: Yes, those non-believers. Those who dare to not only disrespect the gods, but to write negative reviews of our holy book, calling it a "trashy tween fad that does not deserve to be called literature." Non-believers, if found, must face the consequences of infidelity.

Proper Worship of the Cullens Edit

Step 1: Find a space that is free of negative energies and will allow you to worship without interruption.

Step 2: Destroy any books from other religions in the area.

Step 3: Grab the sacred hammer.

Step 4: Hit self in head with your sacred hammer.

Step 5: Repeat until you suffer enough brain damage to feel closer to your fictional gods.

Flaws Edit

Apparently, if you are trapped in the cave with James for an eternity, it's not for all eternity. The way to escape the cave is to work together with James and all the others trapped in it, and escape. Then, attack the Twitards who are laughing their heads off. The best weapons for the job are a one-handed long broadsword, a spear, or a Chinese scimitar. If you don't have any of these things, a shotgun would be the next-best thing.

Another flaw of Cullenism is the attack on what they see as "non-believers". That is rather imbecilic, because Cullenism is in reality, a cult based on fallacies.

TL;DR: Everything.

The Anti-CullenEdit

Legend has it that soon, the adversary of the adversary will rise, and take with it, the collective of Antis, and either reform, redeem or destroy the Cullenites. 

Cullenist Websites: Edit

Cullenists on deviantART

Twilight Lexicon

The Twilight Dream Team

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