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How to deal with a twitard

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Dealing with twitards on the internet Edit

Simple statements like "Vampires don't sparkle.", "Jacob is a pedo" or "Forks isn't rainy." can often cause Colossal amounts of butthurt. In chatrooms, questions like "Why do Bella and Edward love each other?" often result in long periods of silence followed by mass sign-offs.

Twitards IRL Edit

If they are low in number Edit

You may wish to run away if you are a pussy, or you can beat them to death with a Cricket bat.


If they outnumber you 200 to 1 OR MORE Edit

Back off slowly, while shouting "Hey look! A silver volvo!" This will cause temporary distraction. Use this time to attack with a wooden stake, flamethrowers and a decent vampire book.


If they are beginner TwitardsEdit

There might still be hope for them. Try logic. If you don't get to them now, they might advance to a stage of Twitard-ness that is impossible to cure unless by fire.

If they are DefendersEdit

Defenders are the portion of the Twilight fans that don't respond with a grating "YOU SUCK!!1" or "YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS!!1". Instead, they attempt to defend the book as best as they can. Sadly, most of their arguments are recycled from every other Twifan that has attempted to defend the book. Learn your facts so that you may be able to take on a Defender. If you are good at it, then the Defender will probably break down and metamorphosis into a Screecher. However, be warned: If the Defenders are able to keep decent arguments (or as decent as you can get for defending Twilight) then you had better not change into a Screecher of your own and have lots of back-up for your debate/argue, because true Defenders won't stop until you've hashed out all 110% of your Anti-Twilight info and backed it up. True Defenders are rare, though, and are usually just Twitards who are really Screechers. So for Defenders, just debate, debate, debate.

ScreechersEdit

Screechers are a good portion of the rabid Twitard group. Though they will usually attempt to defend the book, pressure and a lack of non-repetitive arguments will often drive them to breaking out their vault of insults and high-pitched sonic screams. Some of the Screechers reveal themselves to be Screechers right away, but a small portion keep up the Defender charade. Note that there is a difference between Screechers and people who have been pushed over the edge- Screechers just can't hold up a good debate to start with. For Screechers, continue to keep up a steady stream of Anti-Twilight facts coming. If that doesn't work, then break out the hammer.

Psychos Edit

1. Get a traffic cone and 100 pounds of TNT.

2. GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

Psychos are the people who were already nuts before discovering Twilight, but now they are also crazy for Twilight. Whatever you do, DON'T APPROACH THEM. The Psycho is that one guy you saw trying to pull people aside in the street and tell them that the world was ending. The Psycho is the girl who curled up in the middle of Walmart screaming that the voices were going to get her. The Psycho is the person who stares at a spot beside your face when you're looking at them and says, "Heeeeyy, Eddy-kins!" When there's no one there. You should only using non-direct contact methods of dealing with the Psycho, sniping, dynamite and use of rockets are preferred options.

BelladronesEdit

Belladrones are girls who take pride in being like Bella, despite the fact that this makes them prime candidates for finding an abusive spouse and being virtually useless. To set a Belladrone back onto the better path in life, duct tape them to a chair and display a sideshow on Wikipedia's articles about feminism and spousal abuse. Also play a video manual that instructs on how to keep a healthy relationship. Don't let up until they are at least not a rabid fan anymore.

EddydronesEdit

The male version of Belladrones. Do all the steps that you would do to deal with a Belladrone, except replace the "feminism" article with the "Stalker" article, and remind them that being like Edward would mean that they've basically terminated their chance to get a woman that likes you for more than just your looks. Rinse and repeat.

ClingersEdit

All these guys do is buy lots of Twilight merchandise and go with the flow so they won't get mauled by the really rabid fans. If the book is attacked, they'll make a half hearted attempt to defend it before allowing their much more eager counterparts to take over. To get rid of a Clinger, simply buy them a can of mace and hook them up with average people whom really don't like Twilight that much. If they are surrounded by Twitards, then sneak up behind them and hiss, "There's an escape ride in the back- don't worry, it's not a Volvo!" The Clinger will probably take this chance to flee and lock themselves in their bomb shelter/house.

E.P.E.S (Extremely Passionate Edward Stalkers)Edit

Break out your bug zappers and make sure your fly-swatters are ready to go. Bring along spare batteries and a picnic basket filled with hotdogs, buns, and everything else you need to have a fried lunch. Get the E.P.E.S's when they are in the middle of ranting how hawt Eddward is. And remember, everybody:

If at first you don't succeed, then try, try, and try again until you succeed.

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