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How to read Twilight without losing IQ points

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Reading the Twilight books is a difficult and perilous task. However, it can be done, if done properly. The key is to always keep humor in mind. Use these tips to avoid becoming any one of the number of annoying Twilight Fans. Although the smartest thing you can do is not to read the Twilight books fanfiction scribbles a three year old drew on the paper in a printing press stoned keyboard smashes words on paper.

Before Reading
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  • Before attempting to read Twilight, read as many real vampire novels as possible. Bram Stroker's Dracula is a perfect choice.
  • Go on multiple Anti-Twilight websites. If possible, live chat and/or e-mail Antis personally explaining the treacherous journey you are about to face. They will help you.
  • Beat the book against your head many times, repeating the following phrases: "Edward is not real. Bella has no personality. Jacob is a pedophile. Renesmee cannot exist. VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE," and any other phrases that will enable you to realize the mind-numbing garbage that is Twilight. 
  • Not to be a shameless wiki pimp, but reading some Frozen Apples pages might help you brace yourself.


During Reading
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  • Keep a notebook and pen handy. Take note of excessive use of the words "chagrin", "glower", "murrmur" and other examples of SMeyer's thesaurus rape. Also count the number of times she mentions Edward being hawt.
  • Make sure to record any and all examples of lulzy fail sentences (eg: My stomach was already full... full of butterflies) to keep yourself sane and for Frozen Apples articles.
  • If you find yourself starting to enjoy a part of the book, put the book down immediately. Locate an Anti-Twilight website and read about the part you "enjoyed" from the logical point of view of an Anti. Once again, beat the book over your head and say "Edward is abusive. Bella is a Mary-Sue." over and over. Once feeling well enough to continue, do so.
  • Do not panic if you start to like a character -- as long as it isn't Edward or Bella. Some Antis enjoy at least one or two minor characters, such as Mike Newton and Eric. Or Tyler's Van - Tyler's Van is always awesome. 
  • After reading each chapter, take a break and read a few articles on Frozen Apples and other anti-Twilight websites to keep yourself sane and avoid confusing Meyerpires and vampires.
  • If you find you enjoy Edward or Bella, stop reading immediately. Confine yourself to your room and do nothing but repeat the above phrases mention in "Before Reading." Ask for help from an expert Anti. Read the chapter that made you like the character on SparkNotes in Dan Bergstein's Twilight blog. After a year of mental rehabilitation and several re-readings of Dracula, or veiwings of The Nosferatu, continue reading. Or stop, if you're too worried.
  • When you get to the meadow scene, remember to have  this music playing the background, just so you remember how sappy it is. 
  • If you feel the need to put down the book and rant exessively (About you know, perfect characters, chagrin, how much of a wanker Bella is... and much more!) then by all means, do so.

After Reading Edit

After reading Twilight, you may feel one of the following symptoms: Dizziness, vomitting, excessive sparkleness, inability to speak in any way except for chatspeak, the sudden desire to drink blood and/or make YouTube videos stating why Twilight is not the fail Antis claim it to be, need to purchase the other three fails books, and sweating and fainting at the sight of RPatz.

  • Do not watch a single Twilight movie until you have had the chance to rehabilitate with Anti-Twilight websites and parodies.
  • After a year of the above mentioned rehabilitation, you may attempt to watch Twilight on DVD, so you may keep a computer nearby with Anti-Twilight websites open or a good vampire novel.
  • Do not do anything involving Twilight, including watching fangirl YouTube videos, reading Twilight fanfics, and/or joining Twilight-based websites.
  • Do something involving real vampires.
  • Watching TV shows about real vampires, such as Buffy and Angel, wouldn't hurt either.
  • Enjoying some super-fantastic MST3K Twilight Riff Tracks

If you find that even after completing this process, you are slowly becoming a Twilight fan, seek help immediately. If done properly, these steps may also enable you to be an Anti, giving you the superhuman ability to see Twilight-related media and be able to laugh.


Extra TipsEdit

It doesn't hurt to enjoy a few chapters of your favorite Harry Potter book before you begin the horrible journey through the Twilight saga.

It also doesn't hurt to read all seven Harry Potter books in one month beforehand.

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