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J.Jenks

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In Breaking Canon Dawn, we are introduced to a man who apparently runs an identity fraud ring, named J. Jenks. His first name is unknown, either because ITS ALLL MISTEREOUSS N ILEGLL N STUF or Stephenie Meyer couldn't think of any more names after her sparklepire naming brainstorm.

J is described as obese, perpetually sweaty, and nervous, with an expensive taste in clothes. His hobbies include ogling Bella (because if there was any man who DIDN'T she wouldn't be speshul enough), darting his eyes about nervously and hiding from the police. He's also terrified to death of Jasper Hale for reasons not explained. Perhaps the Constipation Master got his hands on some Ex-Lax and used the loo in J's office, and it scarred J permanently.

J's primary role in Breaking Wind was to provide fake ID's for Pedowolf and Satanspawn when the Volturi came to kill the Cullens, so the two could run off together and OH GOD I DON'T WANT TO EVEN THINK ABOUT THIS.

Alas, we hear no more about poor sweaty J, for he doesn't sparkle or fursplode, and therefore is lame and human. He is also single, presumably, and therefore even more lame. However, he is not blonde, being bald, so he doesn't fit all the evil stereotypes.

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