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Jacob Black
JAcob
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Information
Species Meyerwolf
Wolf Color RUSSET. WE UNDERSTAND, STEPHENIE, NOW STOP USING THAT WORD.
Location La Push
Relationship Status It's Creepy
Hobbies In a former life, Jacob was quite a good mechanic
Profession Professional Pedowolf
Family
Father Billy Black
Mother Sarah Black, she is dead and unimportant
Twu Luv Renesmee Cullen
Twin Sisters Rebecca Black and Rachel Black (they are in college and unimportant)
Demon Spawn Child I don't want to think about it

"I want it known that I am not related to this pathetic excuse for a character." -Sirius Black on Jacob Black.

Pedophile Jacob Black is a Native American werewolf shapeshifter, who befriends Bella and develops a crush on her, only to imprint on her infant daughter in Breaking Dawn . When we first meet Jacob in Twilight, he is a cheerful, sweet young boy who Bella manipulates into talking about the Cullen family.

She feels no remorse about this, even after learning that talking about the Cullens is seriously forbidden by the Quileutes, and that Jacob could get into real trouble for revealing this information to her. In New Moon, Jacob comforts Bella after Edward abandons her. Later, Jacob unwittingly helps Bella in her attempts to put herself into dangerous situations so that she can hallucinate about Edward. (See girls, isn't she a great LAME role model?)


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Pedo Black strikes with a question of dumbassery at Yahoo Answers.

TwilightEdit

When we first see Jacob Black in Twilight, there's really nothing special about him. First,Bella attempts to flirt her little pale heart out with him in order to gain information about the SUPER-SPECIAL Cullens. Like a sheep following a carrot on a stick, Jacob answers her by attempting to scare her with a story and flirting back, unawares that Bella is celebrating her success hamming it up in her head. Not much else is mentioned about Jacob, except that his family has horrific fishing trips.

New Moon Edit

New Moon is where Jacob joins the Supernatural League and is revealed to have fursploded somewhere behind the scenes into a Werewolf Plushy Dog shapeshifter. Along with this, he is again led on by Bella, but only because she needs something to "plug up the hole left by Edward." In this book he is revealed to be one heck of a mechanic, and Bella's budding present boyfriend. He doesn't write poems, speak in attempted lyric words, or even say "You smell like Freesia." But just when Jakey-boy is dangerously close to having an actual personality, Alice arrives, informing Bella that Shedward is about to screw himself over during a fair because he's missing his TWU LUV so much. Bella immediately has a convenient mind-wipe of all the things Squidward did to her, and abandons her fursploding boyfriend brother friend "friend" puppet toy tool to go to her Slimeward in Italy. Nothing else is mentioned of Jacob except later in the ending, when he shows obvious anger about Bella's sudden burst of amnesia and her crawling back to his arch-nemesis, Squirtward. This is ignored by the swooning Bella, therefore proving that she has the attention span and intelligence of the average goldfish.

Eclipse Edit

Mostly, all he did in this one was argue with Smedward and make him mad. Note to Jakey: Pissing off your crush's boyfriend is NOT the way to win her heart. But hey, it's entertaining for us.

Jacob kisses Bella against her consent. She punches him in the jaw and subsequently breaks her hand. And the Antis rejoiced. Jacob shows no remorse and follows her into her house.

Jacob also goes through a Splatward stage and threatens Bella with blowing his fuzzy brains out if she doesn't smooch him. After a rough "angry" frenching (that lasts for four F-ING PAGES) ensues, Bella realizes that she is a blank slate realizes that she loves Jacob along with Smatward and lies face down for a little bit while Jacob leaves the tent whistling "Always look on the bright side of life" and wishing he had a jetpack.

Oh yeah, and he also tries to get some from Bella by being her space heater in a snowstorm and telling her to take off her clothes. *INSERT INNUENDO HERE*

Breeding Spawn Edit

To make a long unnecessary story not short enoughshort-ish, Edward knocks Bella up and infects her with Demon Spawn. As Jacob has a few thoughts of ending the book on a Night of the Living Dead note, which would have been fucking awesome, he catches sight of the spawn's bright bu-tiful eyes and immediately imprints on her, putting even Quil to shame. While this is supposed to make the book end perfectly filled out, it instead made many people suspect that Jacob is Pedobearwolf. This fact is most notably exploited by the Antis and Edward fans. However, since the Edward fans attempt to use this as a reason not to like Jacob and love Splishward, it backfires, since Edward is over 100 years old and Bella only recently of legal age. I guess you could say Edward likes his Lolis seasoned by age.... but, then again, comparing Bella's age to Edward's, it's like he's 18 and she's 2. Oh yeah, that's NOT EVEN A LITTLE CREEPY. There's supposed to be a happily ever after moment or something seasoned here, but the Pedoness makes it all a little foggy.

Adding to the complete creepiness beauty of the story, our beautiful Eddikins asked good ol' Jakey if he would knock Bella up if she had an abortion. Apparently, it turned him on pained him to see Bella in agony. Pedowolf accepted, but Bella unfortunately for Edward refused.

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