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Jasper Hale

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Jasper Hale
Jaspers constipated face
Jasper, looking constipated
Information
Species Meyerpire/Honorary Vampire
Year Born 1843
Year Vamped 1863, Somewhere in the Southeastern United States
Sexual Orientation Probably straight, but who knows? BECUZ HOMOSXUALTY IZ RONGZ!11homophobe!!
Location Forks, Washington
Speshul Powerz Emotional manipulation/empathy/CONSTIPATION!!!!111!!!!fortyseven!!!!!!
Hobbies


Being a token Southerner, and fighting, Constipation master.

Profession


Student, Cornell Philosophy Major (this was Jasper right?), Professional Constipationist, Harpo Marx impersonator

Family
Father Carlisle Cullen
Mother Esme Cullen
Twu Luv Alice Cullen/The Psychic
Sisters Bella Swan Cullen and Rosalie Hale
Brothers Edward Cullen and Emmett Cullen
Demon Spawn Child None



Jasper Hale is a Meyerpire, and a member of the Cullen "coven." He has a more interesting backstory than pracitcally any of them, though as with many things in the "saga" it has plot holes you could drive Tyler's van through. He participated in the Great Southern Vampire Wars, serving a vampire overlady called Maria. When Maria changed him, he was serving as a major in the Confederate army, which he apparently lied his way into, despite being able to get in completely honestly."The soldiers of the Confederate armed forces consisted mainly of white males with an average age between sixteen and twenty-eight."[1]

This is a massive research failure. Meyer was too LAZY to even go to wikipedia.com. DAMN IT! Eventually he left and fell in love with a random girl in a restaurant, and hooked up with the Cullens shortly thereafter.

The Vampire Who TriedEdit

Jasper has been hailed by many antis as the most likable Vampire protagonist in the books because he tried to kill Bella. Unfortunately this was prevented by Edward, who protectively threw her across the room, into a glass cabinet. Great job Edward!

Jasper's attempt to save literature from this travesty of a Mary Sue and end the series at New Moon is highly respected, though the fact that he later changed his mind and went Bella-crazy like the rest of the characters does diminish his glory somewhat. Nevertheless, he is several trillion times more vampiric than Edward. He has recently received the Honorary Vampires' Award. Let us hope he starts to hate the new Meyerpire Bella for being so perfect and spechul at being a meyerpire that he kills her and Edward.

Powers and AbilitiesEdit

Jasper's vampower is the ability to control the emotions of others. This works on Bella despite her supposed resistance to mental powers, apparently because it's about controlling the flow of blood. Since attempting to make someone fall asleep by controlling blood flow would most likely put them into a panic state as their body attempts to restore control over where it's vital oxygen and nutrients are going, this is, to put it mildly, implausible. Emotions are controlled by hormones, but this is not how Meyer claims that Jasper's power works, and in any case it, like the blood theory, would be useless on vampires. In short, Jasper's "gift" is a plot hole of epic proportions. Looks like someone forgot to do the research, AGAIN!

More "Creative" Meyerpire LogicEdit

In New Moon, Meyer portrays him as going insane with bloodlust over a papercut. It is also stated in the series that Jasper finds all blood equally attractive, without the nuances of appeal that the others experience. Therefore, it can be assumed that he would react similarly to any minor wound. However, he still attends high school, where people who are going through massive hormonal issues and adjusting to new body shapes and neural pathways--i.e. people who are inclined to injure themselves on a reasonably regular basis--are everywhere. Also their are girls on their periods-daily, teachers who get paper cuts, and school athletes who get sports-injuries in high school. The odds of him not having killed- HALF THE SCHOOL- on his first day in high school are so low they're practically non-existent. Either Jasper is a masochist or Stephanie Meyer is an idiot, and we all know which is more likely.

Portrayal in Twilight, the MovieEdit

Jasper was played in the movie by Jackson Rathbone. His part was effectively tiny, consisting mostly of standing in the Cullens' kitchen and looking as if Bella's very presence was making him constipated (note: this is a perfectly normal physiological response to Bella). This was good for some lulz.


Jasper is new to the veggiesEdit

Jasper is always fighting the urge to kill, hence the face.

Wait -- never mind, it WAS just Bella. Given her personality, lots of people probably have to resist the urge to kill her.

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