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Mark Reads Twilight

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Mark the Selfless: Reading Twilight and analyzing it for the good of humanity

...so you don't have to.

Why you should read himEdit

A fairly adequate review on all four books of the "saga", this particular blog almost slaps you in the face with its wry commentary and spot-on reasoning. Mark is just your typical reader who apparently has masochistic tendencies because he had endured/survived reading the epic fail known as the Twilight Saga while analyzing the four books chapter by chapter at the same time without brain damage whatsoever who made it his personal mission to inform future readers of this "literature" about the depths of lulz and bad writing present throughout all of Stephenie Meyer's work.

His buzznet blog serves more or less as a cautionary tale for those who haven't read the Twilight books yet and, hopefully thanks to his entries and experience on it, will NEVER EVER READ IT unless for the lulz, amirite?. Avid fans of his blog always encourage him to go on with this suicidal mission journey; especially whenever the poor fellow is too 'chagrined' to waste his brain cells on the shitty series. While blogging his thoughts, he is prone to swearing in caps locks all the time time and having apparent breakdowns whenever a chapter is so horrible; but it's excusable since most of us know exactly how that feels.


But, alas, he had managed to finish ALL four books now, with impressive reviews on ALL CHAPTERS without his brain turning into complete mush. Mark deserves a gold star for his hard work. He is a hero in our midst; one of the few people out there who had traveled into the shittiest fuckery of mayhem and literary abortion Meyerworld and came back alive and thriving. He has also finished the infamous Midnight Sun Chapters. He is not dazzled.


On another note, Mark is now reviewing Harry Potter! His reviews are in much more favour as he falls in love with this series, and he has just finished the third book and movie. Goblet of Fire reviews just started as this is typed! http://markreadsharrypotter.buzznet.com/user/journal/ for these lovely reviews, full of humor but less horror than Failight ever produced,

The Quest to keep one's sanity intactEdit

His commentaries and analyses in each chapter are driven by wit and insight (sprinkled with some creative depiction of a chapter here and there through script dramatization of events). He takes note of all the important quotes worth pissing yourself off while LOLing from a chapter and encodes them (he actually bought the books for convenience purposes). Because if you're going to torture yourself reading epic fail of biblical proportions, you might as well be able to carry them around.


Like all undazzled critics, Mark applies real-life logic to make sense of Meyer's debauchery of the English language and overall bad fanfiction content. Whenever amused or deciding to entertain his readers so they don't get bored, given that in all chapters NOTHING HAPPENS, he is known to lighten up the mood in his chapter reviews (and further emphasize the lulz, also to avoid truly bashing his head on a wall), by doing things like:


WeAreTheVampions: lol so wat do u think of my house?


NotYourAverageMarySue: It's so big. I didn't expect it to be so...open.


WeAreTheVampions: lol thats wat she said.


NotYourAverageMarySue: Edward, please don't make jokes like that again. I told you, I know you've seen a lot of this world, but that joke is never funny. And it's gross.


WeAreTheVampions: lol thats wat she said.


NotYourAverageMarySue: I seriously hate you sometimes.


WeAreTheVampions: so did u love that I watched u all night while you slept?


NotYourAverageMarySue: Actually, I have a question about that. So...what exactly do you do all night? Do you just stare at me for seven or eight hours straight? Or do you read a book to pass the time? I mean, it can't be that interesting to just...watch.


WeAreTheVampions: lol u r silly


NotYourAverageMarySue: No, I'm serious. What do you do all night?


WeAreTheVampions: lol well mostly i just sit their and listen to u breath. it really turns me on u kno? im just so in luv wit u


NotYourAverageMarySue: I suppose so. I mean, we haven't even known each other that long. Why am I in love with you already?


WeAreTheVampions: lol its becuz u r so *~enchanted*~ by my presents u kno? plus all vampires are super hot and beutifl so we can lure u in like the tracter beem in star wars. lol


NotYourAverageMarySue: Could you stop using the word "lol" as punctuation? I'm sitting right next to you in my car. You are not laughing out loud at all.


WeAreTheVampions: lol ok watevar.


NotYourAverageMarySue: So anyway...thanks for introducing me to your family. They're really nice! Jasper is kind of...intense, I suppose. But they seem pretty accepting of me. Though I was a bit weirded out by Alice...smelling me. Is that a common thing with you guys?


WeAreTheVampions: lol yea its kinda are thing u no? it didnt bother u did it?


NotYourAverageMarySue: Stop saying "lol." Also, Edward, you are almost a hundred years old. You can spell a full word.


WeAreTheVampions: lol! I mean...ok, sorry. I've spent a lifetime being prim and proper. It's fun to just be lazy sometimes.


NotYourAverageMarySue: It's ok. I understand. I'm scared of kissing you again, to be honest?


WeAreTheVampions: Are you afraid of fainting again? It's kindda hot. I can control you more then!


NotYourAverageMarySue: lol Yeah I guess.


WeAreTheVampions: LOL U SAID LOL LOL LOL LOL can I say lol now too?

External LinksEdit

Chapter 1

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