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Mike Newton

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Mike Newton
Mike
"Typical, one of the only characters with a personality and he is cast aside because he is human. HOW FUCKING BIASED IS MEYER, ANYWAYS?! SMEYER'S A FUCKING HUMAN, TOO, SO WHY THE FUCK IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMAN PUT TO THE SIDE BY HIS FUCKING HUMAN SUETHOR?! Oh shit, I need to watch my language."

-Samuel L. Jackson

Sexual Orientation

Desperate, then straight after converting to Catholicism

Location

Travelin' the world in a van with Tyler, Eric, and 4 other antis (The Anti-Twilight caravan!)

Speshul powerzzz

None, cuz he's human and blond

Hobbies

Touring, terrorizing twitards

Profession

Worked at his dad's outdoor equipment store, but now tours with the Anti-Twilight caravan.

Family

Unimportant blond people

Twu Luv

Portia, a local woman in the parish

Mike Newton is an insignificant human, who is actually very sweet and nice to Bella on her first day in high school (which is usually a living hell for most teens, but not Bella, since she's speshul.) but she couldn't stand someone who was actually nice to her, so she compared him to a dog. Mike is one of the few characters in Meyer's books with -drum roll please- personality!

He had the potential to be a great character, but was instead used as one of the many boys drooling over Bella-Sue. He, like many kids at Forks High, is very kind and friendly to Bella on her first day at school. He tries to converse with her and make her feel welcome, and he shows signs of loving her, rather than lusting after her like Ed-Weird.

She shows her bitchiness gratitude by thinking of him as a "golden retriever". He saves her butt from sports and PE and... just about everything else. Mike Newton is often the butt of Bella and the Cullens' jokes. Many times throughout the series, Bella and Edward joke about how Bella could be with Mike instead, and how he is inferior to Edward. This is very cruel bitchy pathetic hilarious.

Now, we at Frozen Apples know what you -a logical human being- must be thinking. You are thinking, "Mike must have done something wrong. At one point, he must have been a dick. Why else would he be hated by Bella?" What did Mike ever do wrong? Nothing. Mike never did anything wrong except not sparkling in the sun and not being an emo. Oh, he did dare to be nice to Bella-sue but he got mentally insulted for it! Also, he is blond, which means that he is not to be treated kindly because he's secretly evil and bitchy... Right?

We are sure that Edward harbors a secret love for him... If only he would express it!

Mike is probably a generally nice person, but we'll never know since he is not Eddykins or one of the Cullens, or Bella, or an emo, or a pedo, therefore not relevant. Unless the Cullens are joking about him, then he's the life of the party! In some parts he points out Edward's creepiness, pointing out that Edward is well, creepy and that he looks at Bella like she's something to eat, which we know is accurate from his POV in Midnight Sun. But whenever Edward hears this he flies into a cold narcissistic rage and only keep from bathing in Mike's blood because he doesn't want Carlisle and Bella to dissaprove of him.

The worst thing about Mike is that he *gasp* wants to have sex with Bella, whereas Edward, you know, wants to kill her and drink her blood. And just because he wants to have sex with her doesn't mean he doesn't view her as a person. In fact his repeated kindness towards her shows that he would probably be a caring and attentive lover.

Fans and Antis opinionsEdit

Antis usually feel very sorry for Mike because:


  1. He was in Twilight
  2. He liked Bella, meaning he must have some sort of brain damage... or he's desperate. (BRAIN DAMAGE)
  3. Bella is an asshole to him.
  4. He has to go to school with Edward.
  5. He has to look at Edward's "glowering with chagrin-y hotness" all day.

Some antis and those that are neutral to the series, will even write fan fictions all about neglected little Mike. Because, honestly, we have no reason to hate him. Technically, Mike is the first ever anti- because he was the first to hate Edward. And thus, we applaud. -applauding-

Fans, however, see him as a creepy stalker (coughcougheddiecoughkinscoughcough), a total freak, and not speshul at all. When asked, most Twitards say that Mike is nothing but an annoying wannabee geek, and could not compare to teh sparklin' Edward. Some saner fans feel sorry for him.


Poor Mike...Edit

Poor Mike. Mike may become a serial killer, because he frequently mentions hating girls. Or desperate for attention. Poor Mike. Mike shows similarities to Cody from "Total Drama Island"-- since both are poor little nerds who crave attention and deserve love. Poor Mike. (Did we say "Poor Mike"?)  And remember to hate Bella.  Poor Mike.


Mike after the seriesEdit

After a series of rejections, he converted to Roman Catholicism and actually found true love with a woman his age there in his local parish. For security reasons, she had hidden herself using the pseudonym "Portia".

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