New Moon (marketed as The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and also known as
On Screen Fail 2Twilight 2) is the sequel to Twilight, The Movie. It was released on November 20, 2009, directed by probable future alcoholic/drug-abuser Chris Weitz and the film stars Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, and Taylor Lautner, reprising their roles as Mary Sue Bella Swan, Gary Stu Edward Cullen, and Pedowolf Jacob Black. Also a likely future depressive, Melissa Rosenberg returns as the future screenwriter for the film. She handed in a draft of the film script during the opening weekend of Twilight.
In this trailer, we see a result to Edward's stalking, a cardboard cake, Bella managing to cut her finger on tape (It's a PAPERCUT why does it bleed like that?!!?), Jasper running like he's in Baywatch toward Bella, Edward heroically saving Bella by throwing her into a glass vase *slamming head on desk*, Edward abandoning Bella in the woods, many angsty boys lusting for Bella and at last some
For those so inclined, the
vomitorium trailer can be viewed on the lower right. YouTube has two versions of the official trailer, the first has a thumbnail still of Edward and Bella, and the other, as you can see here, has a shirtless pedophile.
Guess which one has more views? Yes, don't worry, we are just as worried as you about today's youth.
A Great Heaping Pile of Mush Edit
The movie was, as I'm sure you realize, terrible. The acting mostly consisted of angsty huffing and all the actors blinking eighty times a second. Kristen Stewart does it again, with wooden acting and absolutely no emotion whatsoever. The only exception would be when Edward is leaving her, and she yells that she doesn't want her soul without him. Coincidentally, this is also the only part in the movie when her voice comes out of a monotone. Robert Pattinson barely moved his face, except to draw his eyebrows together in pasty sparklepire angst. The worst part of the movie was, without a doubt, Eddie taking off his shirt in slo-mo in the middle of Volterra. Even the fans were grossed out, as R. Pattz has apparently not made it to the beach in 900 years, has a Saturday Night Fever hairy chest, and sported appallingly fake, purple, painted-on abs. The Volturi were laughably unintimidating, except for Dakota Fanning, who was extremely creepy, who is also more than this movie deserves - and who only got three lines (damn you, movie).
Taylor Lautner managed to somewhat salvage this movie, although his acting was occasionally not that great. His line, "Go home, Bella," was delivered with all the angst of a two-by-four. This didn't stop him from being the (mostly) redeeming force in this film, however. Plus his voice cracked at odd moments.
The worst editing moment was a slo-mo-ified fight scene with Victoria and the wolves, with the background music a gentle, calming crappy rock song. WTF?
Unfortunately, this didn't stop it from getting 140 million freaking dollars in one weekend, as well as making it the third most earned during a box office weekend. Just goes to show you how many idiotic twelve-year olds love this.
As it turns out, New Moon has been nominated for not one, not two but 4 RAZZIES including Worst Supporting Actor, WORST SCREEN COUPLE, WORST SCREENPLAY and Worst Sequel or Remake. FTW.
Jeremy Jahns' reviewEditAnd if you really want some good entertainment, then here's Jeremy Jahns' wonderful review.
And watch out for his brilliant Eddykinz impression. ;)