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Robert Pattinson

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RPattz

Robert Pattinson, when he's not doing the movies.

Robert Pattinson is a British actor whose first major role was as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. He admitted prefers doing Cedric than Edward Cullen!

Role in the Twilight MovieEdit

However, due to a series of rather unfortunate events (i.e being blackmailed and threatened by the studio's friends in the mafia) and brief brainwashing choices, Mr Pattinson is now currently the figurehead of Edward Cullen within the Twilight films. He has done an amazing job, acting the utterly un-actable and has even had the balls to call SMeyer out on her creepy fantasies of arts and craft stone dildos (naturally, she refuses to listen to his truthful words). However, compared to Goblet of Fire, Pattinson has flopped (and he knows it) as he refuses to watch his own movie. Robert Pattinsong fails as an actor potrays Edward just as Stephenie wrote him, a walking cardboard cutout.

Popular ReactionEdit

Antis love him for his ability to see what a ridiculous guy Edward is (he said he had to play him like a manic depressive), and how shallow the books are, as well as calling the fans voyeurs (HAI GUISE HE MENTIONED YOU ALL!11shift). Unfortunately, all the little Bella Juniors we know as Twihards refuse to believe the fact that he just insulted their book, the character they swoon over, and their god. Thus, they still wet themselves dreaming about rowing down the Nile River in Egypt with him.

Robert Pattinson suffers from being attacked by fans when they try to invite him into their rooms for a game of something that's not chess or poker. It is evidenced when his lemon-faced Twi-charm seduces an eight-year-old girl to the point where she demands he give her a hickey. He is also known as RPattz and Spunk Ransom to the fans and the antis.

Antis dream of the day when he'll speak up and say that he's also not Jacob Black, defending himself as well as indirectly sinking the Pedowolf x Loch Ness monster ship further.

Many antis have joked about offering him a place in the Anti-community, possibly as a member of the TwilightSucks.Com forum.

He'd fit in nicely.


He even joked about leaking Midnight Sun.

We'd like to congratulate him if he did.

He deserves a medal for putting up with all the rabid Twihards.

Twitards have reportedly mobbed him, cutting open their necks with blades or their fingernails and asked him to drink thier blood. This is disturbing.

He was alledgedly clipped by a cab trying to escape rabid fantards, though this hasn't been officially confirmed.

There is currently a documentary film titled "Robsessed" about the obsessive fans he has managed to garner through his Edward role. [1]

Pattinson On Twilight and Edward Edit

Here are some of Robert Pattinson's blatantly accurate opinions on his character, and the Twilight series in general:

"When you read the book," says Pattinson, looking appropriately pallid and interesting even without makeup, "it's like, 'Edward Cullen was so beautiful I creamed myself.' I mean, every line is like that. He's the most ridiculous person who's so amazing at everything. I think a lot of actors tried to play that aspect. I just couldn't do that. And the more I read the script, the more I hated this guy, so that's how I played him, as a manic-depressive who hates himself. Plus, he's a 108-year-old virgin so he's obviously got some issues there.

"When I read it ... I was convinced that Stephenie was convinced that she was Bella, and ... it was like it was a book that wasn't supposed to be published, like reading her — her sort of sexual fantasy about some — especially when she says that it was based on a dream, and it's like, "Oh, then I had a dream about this really sexy guy" and she just writes this book about it, and there's some things about Edward that are just so specific that ... I was just convinced that this woman is mad, she's completely mad, and she's in love with her own fictional creation. And I sometimes ... feel uncomfortable reading this thing, and I think a lot of people feel the same way, that it's kind of voyeuristic ... It creates this sick pleasure in a lot of ways.”



Robert Pattinson has also been known to make ex-co-stars read Twilight for losing bets.[2]

Future Roles Edit

He will play Salvador Dali, the lead role, in Little Ashes. Fangirl reactions to his doggy-style mental-breakdown gay sex scenes expected to be seismic. Still, Fangirls did not like the fact he played a gay man, so they began to slander Little Ashes and give it poor ratings.

He's also supposed to play a role in an upcoming film, "Unbound Captives", along side Hugh "Wolverine" Jackman. Hopefully, Jackman will give Rob some tips on finding and landing "Badass" roles and shaking the "sparklepansy" typecast.

We sincerely hope for the day that he can forget the Twilight films, the oh, so torturous and painful episode of his career in the future.

Merits For His ActionsEdit

For his aversion to the very intolerable trash he unwillingly partcipated in, he was given the title of Stinson Platinum High Five Man.

Related LinksEdit

ReferencesEdit

  1. [1]
  2. [2]

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