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Stephenie Meyer

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Ha

This is an actual photo of what Stephanie Meyer really looks like.

"When I write a story, it's not like I'm thinking about what I'm doing."
―SMeyer
"I find your lack of writing skills disturbing."
―Darth Vader, a.k.a an actual VILLAIN!
"All I can guess is that when I write, I forget that it's not real."
―Stephanie, commenting upon yet another sign of her blatant insanity.
"This woman is mad. She's completely mad and she's in love with her own fictional creation."
―Robert Pattinson (Too true, Rob, too true)
"I read you are descended from my bloodline... and you have the nerve to ruin my ancient image? IMBECILE!"
―Count Dracula, aka Vlad the Impaler'
"I will kill her after I get Harry..."
―Voldemort a real flipping villian which is more than Smeyer could ever hope to create
"Hello, Stephenie Meyer. I want to play a game." -John Kramer, better known as the famed Jigsaw killer, or just Jigsaw
" Upupupu.... I'm gonna enjoy planning her execution.... Even more so than everyone else's. I'll make her feel real despair..... Upupupu...."
― Monokuma
" THIS IS NOT WELCOME IN A BOOK ENVIRONMENT!!!!!!!!"
―{{{2}}}
Kiyotaka Ishimaru


" There isn't a plot, the word chagrin is abused and the grammer makes me very nervous"
―{{{2}}}
Hermoine Granger

Stephenie Meyer, dumbass, vampire lore rapist (also known as SMeyer) is an "author" in the loosest sense of the word, and quite possibly the biggest troll in the book industry (in both ways). (Before Stephenie used Stephenie Meyer as the name she'd put on the Twilight books, she wanted to use Morgan Meyer. Morgan is her maiden name.) She is the arch-nemesis of J.K. Rowling.

What to know about the devil herselfEdit

She's the literary (evil) "genius" behind the series "saga" that is murdering the innocent brain-cells of once intelligent people everywhere. She is probably more evil than the guys behind the Philips CD-i.  Faces of Evil is better than Twilight, as it possesses something that is known as a plot. The series revolves (and according to fangirls, so does the universe) around the romance between the weak, pubescent Mary Sue human Bella, who is actually Meyer's Mary Sue self-insert (wish fulfillment) and the melodramatic, passive-aggressive, cannibal, faerie, emo: "vampire" Edward, who sparkles in the sun, has no fangs, and can only be called a vampire because that's what was written in the blurb to the book. When Meyer writes, she "doesn't think about what she's doing," which explains a lot. She did no prior research on any of the concepts she used, and stated herself in an interview that the first time she actually tried to research was when Bella did, simply to see what info would pop up on vampires, but didn't actually READ any of it (seriously, she's that dumb). There is also a common consensus that she cannot read, for if she could, she might have been able to see that the piece of rubbish she calls literature is actually no better than several drunken keyboard smashes. Twilight is the first novel she has ever written, and was based off a DREAM, or what is commonly referred to as "the meadow scene", in which a girl and a sparkly guy angst hang out in a meadow. Despite having originally written it for an "audience of one," Meyer's ego was stroked to the point that she sent the story out to various publishing companies. Most were smart enough to reject the story, but there's always that one (curses!).


It's often thought that Meyer has one of the biggest egos EVER (as well as one of the creepiest faces ever). I would try to say this isn't true, but why lie? She is so happy with herself for writing her books, and she thinks she's made one of the best literary accomplishments ever. (Pfff.) Some things she uses to support this is she said that Edward and Bella's 'love' is greater than the love of Buttercup and Westley from The Princess Bride and Romeo and Juliet. She fails to see that Princess Bride is a satire, meaning it's MAKING FUN OF that kind of relationship, and Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy about a relationship was never meant to work out. William Shakespeare isn't encouraging teen lust; he's writing about two star-crossed lovers (do you even know what that term actually means Meyer?). Meyer, on the other hand, approves of it and completely misses the point. And what Buttercup and Westley had was love, not lust, so you lose, Meyer. She is also probably sent by the devil to punish everyone with crappy literature.

Crappy Writing Style Edit

Stephenie Meyer is the middle-aged mother of three, though her writing may cause readers to believe otherwise, due to it being reminiscent of bad fanfiction written by 11-year-olds. Her tendency to make everyone pale in comparison to her self-insert, use of quick fixes, lack of overall character development, and obsessive focus on Edward's beauty above everything else only help to promote this view. She tends to name various characters after people she knows and is also well known for thesaurus rape"usage" (to her chagrin). She has made attempts to butcher biology, science and pure logic itself in an effort to use them to explain what makes her vampires special, only to fail horribly and have her quotes constantly turned on her. Like many a Mary Sue author, when she is questioned on such issues, she falls back on the ever popular and annoying cop-out: "It's my story, I write how I want to." The book is also written at a second-grade level of vocabulary. This is out of chagrined fury.

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SMeyer's Secret



















Treatment of fans/haters Edit

Meyer is noted for her less than stellar treatment of fans and audience in book signings, interviews, and panels. She is also criticized for the obvious use of editing and Photoshop of any pictures of her featured in magazines and news articles. One of the biggest outcries against her is her inability to accept criticism. She relies on her minion brother, Seth, to sort through all mail and messages she receives, only picking out the perfectly positive ones that sing her praises for her to read, while dismissing the rest. As there have been no messages which meet Seth's qualifications of "perfect praise," he deletes all of them. She is also known for arming Twihards all over the world to fight for her. She maintains a global Twitard army numbering 5,000,000 brainwashed individuals and growing.

The only good thing that has happened with her writing a trashy book called Twilight is that every kid believes that they too can write a bestseller. Teachers all over the world are reading mindless love stories written by their students. In short, she is a bitch really, really poor excuse of a writer, not to mention a conceited person.

She is in LOVE WITH EDWARD!Edit

She is in love with Edward Cullen, that's no joke. It's understandable that you can fall in love with a fictional character, because you can. With a fictional character you can assign traits you find attractive. She created this guy to be the perfect lover to those with only half a brain with no functioning brain-cells. And he has been in her head for a long time, lurking. It's OK to be in love with a fictional character, HOWEVER, you must have your feet FIRMLY on the ground and KNOW that this person is NON-EXISTENT, and you need REAL relationships with REAL PEOPLE. Meyer doesn't have her feet on the ground and she DESPERATELY wishes Edward was real. She thinks she is better than ALL of humanity.

"I think one of the most frustrating things about my confident, self-assured husband is that he is not in the least bit threatened by my devotion to Edward and Jacob, though I have told him many times that if either one of them showed up at the door, I would leave without looking back. Pancho just grins and says, 'You do that, Steph.'"- Guess what, Meyer, if you don't SHUT UP about your brainless Eddykinz, your husband Pancho is going to disown you, so get a grip.[1]

"It's just so cool that I'm not the only 30+ mom and wife in love with fictional underage vampires and werewolves. I feel much less pathetic."- Too bad that doesn't make you any less pathetic.[2]

"Esme and Carlisle love all their "children" in different ways, but they both have a soft spot for Edward because he was with them first, and he’s such a deeply good person. The others are good, too, but Edward is special. And I’m not just saying that because I’m in love with him." ~LOLWUT[3]

Midnight Sun Edit

Stephenie Meyer Looking Chagrined.

Stephenie Meyer's reaction after discovering her book was leaked.

In 2008, Meyer announced to her minions fans that her expected book, Midnight Sun, would not be coming out. In fact, it would be put "on hold indefinitely", because of poor Meyer's butthurt feelings over it getting leaked, boo-hoo. After realizing this would upset her dear little fans, not to mention impede her cash flow, Meyer decided to announce that she was going to start working on it (Damn!). Just when we thought we'd dodged a bullet, all hell froze over all over again.

Then again, by 2015, it still hasn't come out, so we can only hope....

The Host Edit

{C The Host (A.K.A. Twilight with aliens) is a "sci-fi" book by our dumb dear Stephenie. Like Twilight, it has bad characters, "romance," and it ridicules both literature and science. Unlike Twilight, instead of being about sparkly (Animal) bloodsucking statues, this is about silvery, mind-controlling space centipedes. Many antis think that she ripped off Animorphs. Some speculate that she ripped off the Go'aulds of Stargate SG1 and wussified them too.

It is supposed to be an "adult" book because the characters are in their twenties, but is really fit for 4th graders and/or the barely literate.

Like the Twilight books, it romanticizes harmful and dangerous things (Twilight promotes pedophilia, abuse, stalking, and technically anything that is against the law.). However, The Host promotes domestic violence, which definitely proves that Meyer is, in fact, a misogynist. But...oh no, in Meyerworld, domestic violence is actually translated into "twu luv".

But, if you think that Stephenie Meyer cannot sink to new lows... there's a "four way" in the book. Not four people getting it on, no. What I mean is a four way love ... square? It's not three people (technically), so it can't be a triangle. There are two girls sharing one body (pfft, Stephenie Meyer, you really love lesbianism). Stephenie Meyer Melanie Stryder, the host, has a previous love-affliction with some dude named Jared Howe, who's basically Edward Cullen in a nutshell minus the fairy rape, while this "alien worm" *facepalms* named Wanderer, or Wanda (because the characters are too stupid to remember a simple name) falls in love with some guy named Ian. But Melanie and Wanda share the one body, so how can they get over the angst of not being allowed to love the man they desperately desire with some nagging bitch in the back of their head? Angst, angst, angst.

In fact, the only semi-decent character is Ian's brother (older, younger? STEPHENIE, YOU FORGOT TO MENTION THAT!), Kyle. He, seeing Wanda for the "parasite" in which she's mentioned to be a hundred fucking times, wants to kill her. After a fight where the floor apparently caves in and they fall out into what appears to be a waterfall (hard to be certain. Stephenie just calls it a "pool" -.-) ... Wanda attempts to save Kyle with Melanie screaming at her to let the heroic bastard fall. Then there's some more angsting, and then Kyle seems to get over his affliction with Wanda, and accepts her as one of the cave-men tribe.

I'm getting sick and tired of this. Murderers don't change their spots when they're suddenly out-voted or threatened. Was that what Hannibal Lector did? Did he go "Holy shit, I'm convicted! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! THE GUY ATE HIMSELF AND HUNG HIMSELF OFF THE WALL -- I'M INNOCENT!" No! He didn't! I'm pretty sure he's one of the many killers who didn't back out once they found out their life was to be spent convicted, or ended with the electric chairs.

Keep in mind that The Host is just as bad as Twilight, if not worse (her writing has not improved over time).

If being a brainless fucktard was a crime, Stephenie Meyer would be going straight to the electric chair. No trial.

Treatment of other Authors Edit

Possibly Meyer's greatest insult to the literary world to date (next to the creation of Twilight) would be her careless insults towards some of the greatest literary classics. She stated:

"WHAT IF... What if true love left you? Not some ordinary high school romance, not some random jock boyfriend, not anyone at all replaceable. True love. The real deal. Your other half, your true soul's match. What happens if he leaves?
The answer is different for everyone. Juliet had her version, Marianne Dashwood had hers, Isolde and Catherine Earnshaw and Scarlett O'Hara and Anne Shirley all had their ways of coping.
I had to answer the question for Bella. What does Bella Swan do when true love leaves her? Not just true love, but Edward Cullen! None of those other heroines lost an Edward (Romeo was a hothead, Willoughby was a scoundrel, Tristan had loyalty issues, Heathcliff was pure evil, Rhett had a mean streak and cheated with hookers, and sweet Gilbert was much more of a Jacob than an Edward). So what happens when True Love in the form of Edward Cullen leaves Bella?" [4]

Because apparently it's not true love if it doesn't involve an abusive, sparkly, fairy wannabe vampire. Or Gary-Stuing. SMeyer seems to think that all of those other writers tried to create a perfect character and failed. Therefore, she must be a better writer, right? Because dull, perfect characters are sooo hard to create.

11865 1153242753215 1292047855 30345856 5415931 n

Literature speaks. Please stop this madness for the children.

Meyer has further earned the ire of a number of Antis for her careless and ultimately foolish insistence that not only would her all-perfect boytoy, Edward Cullen, be able to take out Harry Potter in a fight, but that he would do so effortlessly, giving absolutely no credit or respect to the obviously superior series, which she probably never even read (because it's WAY above her reading level).

(In reality, Harry would kick Edward's ass in a blink. Because Edward has the power to sparkle, and Harry has the power of dark and magic spells. The bitchoff just doesn't realize it yet. 'Nuff said.)

She also doesn't have second thoughts attacking talented, and yet small-time authors. Her victims range from newbies writing stuff that isn't about Twilight, to those veterans who can write better than her.

Quotes From MeyerEdit

"I'm a hermit, basically."

"All this time, Bella and Edward were, quite literally, voices in my head. They simply wouldn't shut up." Get some help, Meyer. Get some serious help.

"If I tried to write Midnight Sun now, in my current frame of mind, James would probably win and all the Cullens would die." - Meyer talking sense. YES PLEASE. LET THEM DIE! THEY DESERVE IT MORE THAN TOGAMI DESERVES A SWIFT KICK IN THE BUTT. AND A MURDER. I VOLUNTEER TO DO THE MURDERING OF THE CULLENS. I'LL KILL THEM ALL!

Steph on her rejections:

"I will state, for the record, that my queries truly sucked, and I don't blame anyone who sent me a rejection (I did get seven or eight of those. I still have them all, too). The only rejection that really hurt was from a small agent who actually read the first chapter before she dropped the axe on me. The meanest rejection I got came after Little, Brown had picked me up for a three-book deal, so it didn't bother me at all. I'll admit that I considered sending back a copy of that rejection stapled to the write-up my deal got in Publisher's Weekly, but I took the higher road." - Oh my god. "Meanest Rejection"?! What are you, ten? Did they push you off the swings or something? Grow up!

Steph on the lack of a battle in BD:

"I knew that the real battle would be mental."

"No blood is shed, and the romantic pairings all have a' happily ever after." - News flash, Meyer: Not everything in this world is tea and biscuits. Why don't you go look up a little thing called 'War?'

"I have an immature, Homer Simpson-like tendency to giggle when I say the words 'seminal fluids' in public." More proof that Meyer has the maturity of a child.

Meyer's Bashing of Literary ClassicsEdit

"Actually, Bella and Edward's love story is better than them. When I was in college, I wrote a lot of papers from a feminine perspective (it's an easy way to write) on the Princess Bride. Buttercup is an idiot" - Wait, wait, wait. You did NOT just say that, SMeyer! And this is coming from the person with BELLA SWAN as your narrator and protagonist! - "and it doesn't bother anyone, all that matters is that she's beautiful." - Oh, of course all that matters to SMeyer is good looks, not the heart. All they need is no brain and good looks to be SMeyer's rank.

"They have the kind of love where they can't live without each other." - On Buttercup and Wesley's relationship... of what does this remind me? Oh right....

"I couldn't find one who was a really good comparison to me, I mean, Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy is pretty good, except you should think that if either one of them dies the other one will carry on bravely." - According to Meyer, this is terrible flaw in a relationship.

"But the female characters are very weak in that story." - Steph on Twilight The Princess Bride. Because your female characters are so strong (sarcasm hand). Guess what, Meyer? Go to the supermarket and buy a brain. And you should definitely stop violating everyone on this planet's mind and stop imprinting on innocent teenagers, toddlers, and children.

External Links
Edit

Stephenie Meyer's Website

A wiki created by a mental patient

A website that agrees with us

another one

A comic that agrees with us

{C [http://www.cracked.com/funny-1807-stephenie-meyer/#ixzz0qUEM6Krv http://www.cracked.com/funny-1807-stephenie-meyer/#ixzz0qUEM6Kr {C ]

ReferencesEdit

{C

  1. [1]
  2. [2]
  3. [3]
  4. [4]

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