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Asswipes

These seven asshats are the Cullens.

The Cullens are a Meyerpire family who currently reside in Forks, Washington. They differ from other Meyerpires in their diet, which consists of cute wittle animals instead of humans. Some Cullens have vampowers that randomly appeared out of the blue when they became Meyerpires, these powers are based upon their pre-pire characteristics.  For example, Edward can read minds because as a human he stalked women repeatedly.






Edward Cullen Edit

See main article: Edward Cullen

Edward Cullen is the stalker of the family, explaining his vampower: his ability to read minds. Edward Cullen was a 104 year old virgin still living with his parents until he met Bella Swan, whom he followed and creeped on until she was convinced she loved him, which only took two weeks. Edward now resides with his twu luv Bella and his spawn in a cottage near his family's home.

Bella SwanEdit

See main article: Bella

Bella Swan is Edward's wife. When she first met Edward, she was a disgusting, boring human. After getting to know the family, she decided that being a Cullen was so cool that she ditched her old family to become one. Then, she becomes a meyerpire (courtesy of Eddiekinz). But because she's a super speshul snowflake meyerpire, she gets some super cool vampowers. Her ability to shield others from Meyerpire attacks, something which does not happen frequently because her enemies prefer to talk and sort matters out. And of course having a power that would let her learn something wouldn't fit her original human personality.

Renesmee Cullen Edit

See main article: Renesmee Cullen

Also nicknamed Nessie, after the Loch Ness Monster, Renesmee was the accident that happened during Bella and Edward's honeymoon. Bella was pregnant with her for a month before Renesmee forcefully popped out of her, breaking her ribs and almost killing her. Unfortunately, daddy Edward couldn't let that happen and changed Bella into a Meyerpire before it was too late. (Rats!) The feature that sets Renesmee apart the most is the fact that she's a vampire AND a human. She grows at an incredible rate each day, which is ironic since Meyerpires don't age. At the time of her birth, Jacob Black decided to imprint on Nessie (the poor thing), meaning that she is his territory twu wuv. Jacob just has to wait a few years until she looks older for the banging to begin, even though she shouldn't be emotionally ready for a relationship then but will be anyway because she already had an adult intelligence and emotional maturity when she was born(Yeah, parents let their kid(s) read these abominations books).

Alice Cullen Edit

See main article: Alice Cullen

Alice is the psychic of the family. She has the ability to see what will happen in the future, but since the future always changes, she can never be completely sure of anything she sees, making her power pretty useless. Oh, and she likes shopping and playing dress-up with Bella.

Jasper Hale Edit

See main article: Jasper Hale

Jasper is Alice's twu wuv. He is best known for his creepy, constipated expression that he wears all the time. Jasper has the power to change your emotions, to make you feel good. But who gives a flip about that when you can have the power to see the future or read minds?

Rosalie Hale Edit

See main article: Rosalie Hale

Rosalie is the family jerk that everyone hates. Before she was a Cullen, she was a spoiled, whiny princess who got dumped (literally) by her boyfriend. When Carlisle found her, she was lying on the street, near death, when he thought, "What the heck, I need more members in my cult family. I'll use her." Despite being so disliked and labeled, do note that Rosalie is the only Cullen that was able to see how mean Bella is. Now if she'd pull her head out of her butt, then she might see that she is not the only one with emotional diarrhea and repressed 'I'm-the-only-one-with-issues' issues.

Emmett Cullen Edit

See main article: Emmett Cullen

One day, Rosalie was wandering in the mountains when she found Emmett. She brought him to Carlisle and begged him to change Emmett into a vampire for her, because he reminded her of a human friend's little kid. That's right. Unfortunately, Carlisle did. Emmett enjoys hunting, breaking things, running at his superfast vampire speed, making fun of Bella, and spending time with Rosalie.

Carlisle Cullen Edit

See main article: Carlisle Cullen


Carlisle is the founding member of the Cullens. Even though he's a surgeon, nobody has seemed to notice that he sparkles under the big fancy lights in the operating room. Carlisle came up with the idea that the family should try their best to be decent creatures and not to harm humans, in false hope that one day he might get into heaven, which won't happen, since he's a vamp and all.

Esme Cullen Edit

See main article: Esme Cullen

Esme is Carlisle's wifey. Carlisle found her after she attempted suicide, a move which Bella repeats hundreds of years later. Carlisle changed her into a vampire because he wuz lonliezzzzzzzzz. Now, Esme spends her time being a mother to the Cullen "teenagers" and letting Carlisle handle everything, because that isn't sexist. Honestly, with that Stepford Wife persona of hers, you'd think she was a zombie not a vampire.

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