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The Volturi

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"The High Council of Gayness will see you now"

             -Rifftrax

The Volturi are what passes for antagonists in the pile of garbage masqerading as good literature. They first appear towards the end of the book New Moon, the first semblance of actual maybe-villains since the last four hundred pages of Twilight.





Kitten and Roses

This is about as intimidating as the Volturi ever get. Are you scared?

The Volturi
Edit

The Volturi are the "government" of the vampire world, consisting of three random vampires, who jointly command an army of several random vampires. Their primary concerns are eating tourists and hiding from their food. The reasoning behind it later appears to be founded mostly upon the principle of "why the hell not?" though Aro's repressed memories of being mocked for his sparkles by mobs of humans may be a factor. A little known fact about the Volturi is that they fought the Death Eaters in a legal battle for the rights to use "We R who we R" by Ke$ha as their theme song. The Death Eaters won, of course. They are apparently able to make hundreds of people disappear from their area in Italy and no-one gets suspicious because of course, if your family member disappears you probably wouldn't look for them because you don't have Bella and Edward's true love.

The TriumvirateEdit

AroEdit

The foremost of the Volturi and a friend of the pacifist, Carlisle Cullen. He likes killing hundreds of unsuspecting tourists in his castle, because that's just how he gets his jollies (and of course, in Meyerland, the missing of hundreds of tourists each week in the same freaking place does not bring up any suspects). He speaks in a cheery tone and often asks for the rest of the Volturi to take a chill pill, and generally acts like the love child of Albus Dumbledore and a cardboard cutout. He also collects vampires with interesting talents like some bizarre game of Pokemon: since all the Cullens are just so freakin' special, he would absolutely love to collect all of them, with the probable exception of Rosalie because she's blond, so who would want her? He is especially fond of Edward and Dr. Acula, to the point where many antis suspect that he may be gay, which would be cool, but it's probably not the kind of thing SMeyer would do with her characters.

It is unknown what he plans to do with all the special vampires when he has them. Possibly organize some sort of Battle Royale-like showdown, watch, and eat popcorn. Either way, he's gotta catch 'em all! His skin apparently looks like a powdered onion and his eyes are milky, because he is a bajillion years old. And yet so are pretty much all the vamps in Twilight, including the Cullens, none of whom look a day over twenty-five, so we're left to conclude that Aro was, unlike every other vampire in the book, very, very old when he became one. Never too late to make a change, people. Ben Barnes, who played Prince Caspian in the Narnia movie was considered to play him in New Moon, which would have been more than the film deserved, but might have given RPattz some relief from fangirls. He was played by Michael Sheen instead.
(Aro IS actually in his early 20's in the books, but is forty-something in the films, being played by Michael Sheen. The reason that his skin looks like a powdered onion and he has a milky cast over his red eyes is because Aro usually just sits on his throne 24-7...and usually does absolutely nothing...his meals are even brought to him. When a vampire just sits still for so long...dust begins to collect between their cells. So that's why Aro has the appearance that he has.)

CaiusEdit

An evil Meyerpire who won the hearts of many Antis when he suggested (repeatedly) that they kill the Cullen family. Unfortunately, no one listens to him. He has white hair, for the reason that Smeyer hates people with light hair. He has no superpowers and is therefore a big lame-o who should go sit in the lame-o corner with the other lame-os. Seriously, why would Aro even want vampires with no special vampowers in his coven. It is suggested in some Wikia's that he was the key to an elaborate power struggle when the Voltori were forming, but no evidence of this exists in the books or movies. He hates werewolves for some inadequately explained reason. He also resembles a powdered onion. Because he's a villain. (Caius hates actual true werewolves, also called, The Children of the Moon. These werewolves are actually stronger than the shapeshifters (like Jacob). Anyway, Caius was almost killed centuries ago by a Child of the Moon vampire. Since then, Caius has let the destruction of werewolves. The Children of the Moon werewolves are thought to be either extinct...or that there very few left, due to the killing led by Caius). 

MarcusEdit

A bored Volturi member who has a way more interesting love story behind him than OMG EDWRAD N BELLLA!!111. His power is seeing relationships, which is apparently useful from a tactical standpoint (even though Meyer hasn't done basic research on tactical usefulness, and probably can't spell it either). His hobbies include moping, brooding and crying, and he resembles a powdered onion with clinical depression. You'd be the same if Steph-face stuck you with such a lame plot device-y "power".

The WivesEdit

Officially, the Volturi men's wives participate in government as well, but AHAHAHA. They're just there so the men don't have to do their own laundry. They also unsuccessfully defuse any hints of homosexuality among the all-male triumvirate. The most interesting of the trio was Marcus's wife, Didyme. She is currently dead and this is not expected to change in the near future. She was the younger sister of Aro and had the ability to make people happy, and planned to leave Aro's coven with Marcus and strike out on their own. Unfortunately, she never got around to it, owing to an accidental accident that accidentally killed her. By accident. The Volturi know it was an accident, because Aro was there at the time, and if you can't trust a ruthless power-hungry crazypossessive vampire, who can you trust? And besides, its so easy for vampires to die. Not.

The two still alive are Sulpicia, the wife of Aro, and Athenodora, the wife of Caius. One thread of wishful thinking runs that Sulpicia is the Sulpicia, the only female Roman poet known to modern scholars, but that would make her literary, intelligent and interesting and therefore cannot be true because there are no female characters like this in the Twi-verse. In text, they are referred to collectively as 'the wives' whenever mentioned, on account of they have no individual personalities and are defined by their men, because this pile of crap book is not sexist AT ALL.

The Volturi Debate TeamEdit

The remainder of the Volturi's organization are the Volturi Guard, who ensure that the Volturi themselves don't somehow fall down and die, (Meyerpires are notoriously fragile) and run around spanking all the little meyerpires who don't do as they're told. 99.9% of the guard are better, more likable characters than the protagonists, which is sad because good writers can make their villains genuine characters without making the audience root for them instead of the heroes. On the weekends, Aro and Caius divide them up and play Pokemon. Jane does an excellent Clefairy impression.

  • Jane: A little pain in the neck who looks like a cherub. She can cause people to feel pain and always smiles when she does so: whether this is a requirement or whether she is just a psychopath is hard to tell. Since Bella is a special and unique snowflake, we unfortunately couldn't get a personal insight into her gift. She is always willing to kill people and therefore a favorite of Aro's. She has a brother named Alec who is very easy to forget about. Dakota Fanning plays her in the New Moon and Eclipse films, almost actually making Jane look sincerely frightening, which is more than the film deserves, but might teach fangirls the difference between Jackson Rathbone looking like he's constipated and actual acting.
  • Alec: Jane's brother. His power is cutting off people's senses, rendering them blind, deaf, and numb. For some reason this manifests visually as a purple mist, rendering him a walking gas chamber. He used it during the confrontation during Breaking Dawn, trying to find a way around Bella's mental protection. Since Bella is a very special snowflake, it didn't work. Along with Jane, he is from a small village in the arse end of nowhere where they burn children at the stake for suspected witchcraft. Anyway, the reason he is a vampire so young is that Aro, who had been watching them both, ended up having to save them both from the puny humans before they grew up and apparently didn't think of just not turning them until they were older. Some evil genius he is.
  • Felix: Essentially Caius cloned and made into a Guard instead of a Volturi proper. It's subtly done, but if you look at Caius's distinguishing traits (violent, wants to kill the Cullens, no-powered lame-o) and Felix's distinguishing traits (violent, wants to kill the Cullens, no-powered lame-o) it's not difficult to see the similarities. Felix's disinguishing trait is that he is stronger and faster than most vampires!
  • Heidi: The Volturi's Rosalie. Her power is creating illusions and dressing like a whore, and she uses these skills to coax huge groups of tourists into joining the Volturi for dinner, because no-one would notice a huge group of tourists vanishing off the face of the earth, while a sparkling Edward at a festival would attract tons of attention. At this point you have to wonder why anyone visits Volterra at all. Her power does not work on Bella. What a freakin' surprise.
  • Demetri: He's a tracker: so, basically, James 2.0. The difference is that his tracking ability is mind-based rather than scent-based. Meyer changed this so that his power won't work on Bella. Therefore, he is Totally Useless.
  • Chelsea: Like Marcus, she can see relationships, but unlike Marcus, she can influence them. So really, you have to wonder why Aro keeps Marcus around. Maybe he thinks severely depressed vampires go well with the decor. Her power also doesn't work on Bella (surprise, surprise.)
  • Afton: The mate of Chelsea. The nature of his power is unknown, but may be connected to looking very good in ladies' clothing. It is unknown whether this power would work on Bella, but probably not because she's just that speshul.
  • Corin: Uses her powers to keep the rest of the Volturi happy and content. Probably because slaughtering gullible tourists and ripping the heads off the occasional rogue vamp can get boring after a while.
  • Renata: She can repel anyone who comes near her and is very timid. Bella comments that if it came down to a fight between her and Renata, Renata would be obliterated. This woman can be beaten up by Bella Swan. We're not making this up. That is how much she sucks. Her repelling ability does not work on Bella or anyone Bella is protecting, because if it did Bella wouldn't be speshul enough.
  • Santiago is a member of the Guard who has no special ability. It is probable that he is the suckiest member of the Guard, excluding Renata. It is unknown why Aro continues to keep this no-powered loser in his Debate Team Guard. Probably because he's a freakin' idiot.
  • Gianna: A human woman who doesn't mind the blood pouring out from the cracks in the doors. She works as a receptionist for the Volturi on the condition that they turn her into a vampire. Instead, they kill her offscreen. Frankly, she should have seen that coming. The fangirls hated her with the fiery passion of a thousand suns because she didn't spend the three paragraphs when she was relevant worshiping Bella.

The Villainy of the Volturi: A Problem
Edit

The Volturi are usually regarded as rather extremely pathetic villains. They never kill or injure any characters that the sensible reader cares about; they are defeated via diplomatic discussion; and their authority in the vampire world is never questioned or even disliked by any character whose opinions the reader is supposed to respect.

On the other hand, the Volturi are unrepentant mass murderers. At a conservative estimate, the Volturi eat one person each a week, so they kill six people in total a week. (Since Chelsea has been keeping Marcus in line ever since Didyme died, and Chelsea is not exactly an Elizabethan name, it must be assumed that she has died very recently, so I'll count her too.) Sulpicia, Athenodora, Caius and Marcus date back at least to the Roman Empire, from their names: say 2000 years. Aro and Didyme were born around 3000 years ago. (I think if you included the Volturi along with the Volturi guards...that it would take a rather large group of humans to feed them. The guard is kinda large. I think there's like 28 in JUST the guard alone...so, I can't imagine WHERE Heide finding these HUGE groups of humans in order to feed ALL the Volturi plus the guard. And how nobody misses these large groups that disappear at least weekly, is beyond me. Heide was changed in the 1500's and she once belonged to the same vampire coven as Victoria. However, when the Volturi discovered that Heide had a power they coveted, they destroyed Heide's coven and she joined the Volturi. The only other survivor was Victoria. Chelsea is pretty old...and Chelsea wasn't her original name...she changed it in order to fit in with the current times.)

((4 x 52) x 2000) + ((2 x 52) x 3000) = 728,000.

So the three Volturi and their wives alone have murdered at least seven hundred thousand people for no good reason, and will continue murdering people for as long as they possibly can. They are unquestionably evil, but they never do anything to suggest that their actions are meant to be evil. They are ultimately treated as reasonable people, not as evil villains.

"The Volturi aren't supposed to be the villains, the way they seem to you. They are the foundation of our peace and civilization."
―Edward Cullen

Do ya hear him? "There's nothing wrong with killing thousands of people, so long as you're ensuring that others can kill thousands of people in peace." What a way to go.

The Volturi Way To Fight Edit

The way to fight like the Volturi is to:

  1. Make no plans for a fight
  2. Wait for a month then go to sort the problem
  3. When you get there look BIG and MEAN but do nothing
  4. Talk to your opponent instead of fighting them
  5. If your powers don't work then turn around and leave even though you have physical strength and super speed to use, even if you outnumber your enemy.

Remember, you may be the biggest and strongest Coven but that doesn't mean the other covens like you even though they follow your rules. So just turn and leave even if you are the strongest.

The Volturi and the Fangirls
Edit

The Volturi are typically either:

  1. Hated and feared, less because they eat whole roomfuls of human tourists at a time than because they're mean to Bella and Edward. More than one anti has been threatened with Volturi-related death by this sort of fangirl.
  2. Adored for their 'scariness' and 'badness'(try not to die of laughter). This sort of fangirl tends to hold up the Volturi as much better than the Cullens because they're so scary, but will then squeal over the Volturi and draw cute chibified versions of them. Apparently they don't see the problem with this.
  3. Either Marcus or Caius is obsessed over, claiming that they probably have more personality than they let on(yeah right). Oh, and according to these fangirls they are hot, which makes no sense, given their book description.

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