Beginning a RelationshipEdit
Don't be afraid of sending mixed signals, or being too creepy. People like it when you act like you hate them for a second and then act nice, and then tell them you can't speak again. After all, that's how Edward got Bella. Girls find behavior like this "intriguing."
Guys: How to Treat a Girl Edit
- Watching a girl while she sleeps, without her knowledge or consent, is in no way stalkerish or creepy. No, it is a sign of
obsessiondevotion. Even if your girlfriend does serve you with a restraining order, she is really hiding her deep, deep love of having her privacy invaded.
- If you find you have feelings for a prepubescent child or baby, it is beautiful and romantic! But don't molest her as a child - that would be wrong! Raise her as an uncle or brother until she gets boobs, at which point you may feel free to bang her. In order to ensure that she will be a willing partner for your future romance, raise her with this destiny in mind. If you buy her gifts and treat her specially throughout childhood, she'll have no problem accepting you as her lifetime sexual partner! To paraphrase Stephenie Meyer, no girl can resist that level of devotion! Child grooming and hot loli sex!
- Guys, remember that a girl must always be constantly protected. Her other male friends are merely looking to rape her. If they're puny mortals, it's better to cut your true love off from all of those boring humans. If her guy friend is one of them Injuns, hand him a blanket covered in smallpox, or the U.S. Army circa 1875. No wait, that's not what a good, ethical person like you would do! Pawn off your daughter to him and pick up your father of the year award!
- Wear glitter. This does not make you seem like you're an in-the-closet gay guy at all! It makes you more pleasant because girls love sparkly things. So stop making fun of the gay kid in your class who wears glitter - he's gonna end up with more babes than you (even though he won't want them!)
- All the people you like are superior to all the people you don't.
- Use cliché phrases like "You are my life now" and compare her to anything cheesy and romantic, like heroin. Remember, girls want to think they're your only reason to live.
- If she denies you anything, scratch up her face! That kind of
abusedevotion is ir-res-sistible! She's bound to give into you out of feartrue love! Make sure it's so bad that she has to lie and say a bear did it.
- After she's in "love" with you, disappear for an extended period of time for no reason. If she doesn't cry and mope around like a robot the whole time and do suicidal stunts to see hallucinations of you, then she's not the one for you!
Girls: How to Treat a Guy Edit
- Guys love dating cardboard stick figures with no personalities, opinions, or goals in life. If you find you have any of these, I'm afraid you will be unmarried and therefore a worthless woman. Cleanse yourself of them as soon as possible.
- Have emotional affairs and set up love triangles. The more complicated the situation, the better things will turn out.
- Whine and bitch constantly, even when things aren't that bad. Guys love hearing a girl complain!
- Use suicide or the threat of it to manipulate your partner. No, it's not wrong. Guys love unstable chicks.
- Don't be independent or strong. Guys have to be the strong one in the relationship or they get bitchy about it. If you are independent or strong rid yourself of these traits so you may find an UHMAZING BF like Eddykinz.
- Remember, college is for girls who want to be eternally single and totally not speshul. Skip it. Who needs an education when you're speshul?
- Girls, if there's a third wheel in your relationship, have a child and set your daughter up with him. It's the only logical thing to do.
- If he dumps you, mope around and cry like you're dying. Also, ignore your family and "friends" and do really dangerous thing to see hallucinations of him. You have no reason to live other than to
servelove your sireboyfriend.
- Give your
demon spawnchild a horrible name that will get them teased endlessly in school. Oh, wait, it won't have to go to school because it's too speshul for that.
- Be selfish and shallow. It doesn't matter as speshul people are loved by everybody anyway, and guys love selfish, shallow girls.
Also, while this may not be a lesson from Twilight, it is certainly a lesson from Meyer herself: Real men do not find it weird if you tell them regularly that you will leave them for fictional characters, especially if these characters are your own creation.
Blondes are evil. It's a natural trait that is in every blonde, and is carried on that gene, so even breeding with a blonde will result in an evil child. They're also bitchy, and say bad things when you're not look - oh wait, a blonde's coming! everyone act nice! - Oh hi, Lizzie, you have the cuuuutest Jonas Brothers notebook! - she's gone! - Lizzie is such a slut.
Blonde guys are all stupid and not worth your time (unless he's Jasper), and will bug you forever because they're hopeless nerds. Like Mike. No one will love Mike, and it's because he's blonde.
Gay and Bisexual People Edit
Stay deep in the closet and get a cover-up, like Edward did! You don't exist... *shifty eyes*
Who to Hang Out WIthEdit
Human friends are not good for much. They're too mundane, and not special enough for your time. Stick with the same group of people all the time, only interacting with others when you are forced to, or to humor the others. People who do not share your tastes in books and movies are below you, and you don't need to spend time with them. People who are not physically attractive to you are also not worth your time. Like how Bella ran to the beautiful Cullens, you too should cling to the most beautiful clique you can find, and they're definitely cool if they're super mysterious. (Some may say that cliques are juvenile and limiting, but that only applies to the other cliques, not yours.) You don't really need to do anything with these select people but hang around and not eat. (Hobbies are for the other, uncool people.) Remember, attractiveness equals importance. And the most attractive of the attractive are
probably definitely very nice.
Who needs them? They are just a blank filler in your life 'til you find that speshul someone. And after you find your twu luv, you can dump them off and not care if you ever see them again. If your parents don't let you do everything you want, then they obviously don't love you. However, you can invite them over to see their freakishly fast growing grandchildren, and they should not be alarmed or question it.
"Snow just means it's too cold for rain." - Bella in Twilight when it snows.
For some people, snow makes everything beautiful. Not in Twilight. In Twilight, snow is just a way for the rain to say "I'm too cold."
Of course, this line was added simply so that SMeyer could feel smart and so Bella could look like a deep, complex character, not an annoying whiny shallow Mary Sue with zero personality (it failed). We're also meant to believe that Phoenix native Bella has never seen rain before... or something.